I want to rekindle with my first flame

Dear Pastor,

When I was a young boy, my minister encouraged me to join the junior choir. I didn't believe I could sing, so I was hesitant. When I told my parents what the minister had suggested, they said I would need to be dressed in white all the time and they simply could not afford it. Because of their concerns, I never joined the junior choir.

After I was confirmed in the church, however, most of the youth my age became actively involved, so I eventually joined the choir. People often said I was well-mannered and easy to love. Throughout high school, I even nurtured the hope of becoming a priest. But when I began to understand the sacrifices required -- especially celibacy -- I realised that thatlife was not for me, and I tried to put the idea out of my mind.

By the time I graduated from high school, I no longer viewed the priesthood the same way. I had a very attractive girlfriend then. We exchanged love letters, and she was the one who introduced me to sex. It wasn't that I didn't know about it, but the experience itself was new to me.

Her parents owned a few horses, and I once spent a holiday in her area. She taught me how to ride. One day, after returning one of the horses to the stable, she made a bold advance and we ended up having sex there. She was three years older than I was. To her, it seemed playful and exciting, but I was nervous and afraid that someone might walk in on us.

We both eventually went off to college. She had a very adventurous personality and dated other men, but I remained attached to her. She often gave me money, as she came from a middle-class family, while I grew up poor.

At one point, I believed she would become my wife. But the more I saw of her behaviour, especially in college, the more I realised she was involved with several other men. She eventually got married, but that marriage did not last.

When I was preparing to get married, I told her about it. I had not planned to invite her, but she insisted that she needed an invitation. I never told my fiancee about her, yet I sent the invitation anyway. She did not attend the wedding. When I later asked why, she said she could not bear to see me marry someone else.

For the record, when we first became intimate, she was not a virgin -- but I was.

To cut a long story short, she is now divorced. My wife and I are not in a good place in our marriage. I find myself wondering whether I should reconnect with this former girlfriend and possibly build a future with her. She says she has matured and is no longer the 'wild' person she once was. What would you advise?

P.

Dear P.,

You are fortunate that the horse didn't trample on you and this young woman.

This girl indeed had more opportunities than you, but both of you got an education. Both of you got married to different persons.

You totally strayed away from the teachings you got at church. Unfortunately, your marriage appears not to be working, and hers has ended. She regrets that she did not marry you, and you seem to feel that she might have made a better wife than the woman you marry.

You can never be sure about that.

I can't encourage you to renew a love relationship with this woman. Perhaps it was never love, but more lust than genuine affection. The decision whether to go back together totally belongs to both of you. I am not going to make any suggestion whether you should or should not.

Pastor