I’m sexy at 40 but afraid to commit

Dear Pastor,

I'm a 40-year-old woman, and people always say life begins at 40. But honestly, sometimes I don't feel that way. When I tell my friends that I feel old, they just laugh and tell me this is the time I should be living it up.

I have two children - an 18-year-old daughter and a 16-year-old son. On my 40th birthday, my daughter said, 'Mommy, you look sexy', but I told her I didn't feel that way. My son told me that I look great and it was time for me to enjoy life a little.

I try to be careful with the men who approach me because some of them are just... disappointing. The husband of one of my closest friends recently tried to convince me to sleep with him. I didn't even tell her about it. When I asked him why he'd betray his wife - my friend - he told me, 'You can't eat beef all the time; sometimes you want pork'.

I was disgusted. I told him to get lost. He said he wasn't planning to leave his wife, he just wanted a change.

This same man was the one who taught me how to drive and even gave me advice when I was going through problems with my children's father. I asked him how I could face my friend knowing I'd betrayed her, and he said, I should just wear glasses and don't look her in the face.

That's when I realised how many filthy men are out there - and how easily they make women like me feel washed up at 40.

But I refuse to let that define me. I want to be a good example for my children, especially my daughter. I believe her when she tells me I'm sexy. I work out, eat right, and take care of myself. My doctor even told me during a recent physical that I'm in excellent shape - and I believe him.

Lately, I've been talking to a man who's four years younger than I am. That's the only thing that gives me pause. My children don't even know he is younger, and honestly, it doesn't feel like it matters. He's educated, respectful, and incredibly bright. He is the kind of man who can hold a real conversation - a deep one. He reads a lot and can easily wrap me around his finger in any discussion.

We started dating casually, but a few weeks ago, things got more serious. I asked myself if I might be making a mistake, and he simply said that time will tell. He says he wants to marry me, and I believe he is genuine. Still, after what I went through with my children's father, I'm afraid to commit.

How long should I date him before considering marriage? I like him - truly - but I'm scared of getting hurt again. What should I do?

W.T.

Dear W.T,

First of all, I want you to believe your daughter; she is not fooling you. She told you that you are sexy at 40 years old so you should believe her. Your son tells you that you are looking well. You should know that boys are generally very protective of their mothers. Your children are not just saying these things to you because they want to lie to you.

Your doctor is telling you the truth, so again I say congratulations.

The husband of your friend, who was hoping to take you to bed, should be ashamed of himself. He only wanted to use a beautiful woman. You did the correct thing by running him.

Now, concerning this man with whom you have started a relationship, you said you have been dating him and recently you took the relationship to another level. I think you are trying to tell me that you had sex with this man. He wants to marry you, but you are afraid to commit yourself to him.

I can't believe that a 40-year-old woman would engage herself in just casual sex. Therefore, what I suggest is that you and this man make an appointment to see a family counsellor. Age should not be your concern as this man is only four years your junior.

I wish you well.

Pastor