Shocked to learn that my grandmother was a bad girl

Dear Pastor,

I am 17 and this is the first time I am writing to you, although I read your column all the time.

I have a boyfriend. My mother knows him, but I cannot tell my father about him because from I was younger, my father told me that I should not think about a boyfriend until I was over 18. But my mother always talks to me about guys. She even told me that she had sex for the first time when she was 14 and it was with a man she knew well.

Her father used to be away from her mother for days and sometimes her mother didn't have any money. So she used to 'catch' different men and they paid her to have sex with them. My mother always told me that I have to be careful not to follow in her footsteps. My father didn't marry my mother, but he did his best to support her. When my mother got pregnant with me, my grandfather gave him an open lot and told him to build up a house and take care of his woman. My grandfather had his friends help my father build a two-bedroom house with an outside bathroom and kitchen. My mother said my father was hoping that she would give birth to a boy, but my father loves me because I resemble his mother.

I love my parents. Although my mother doesn't hide anything from me, when I was younger and wouldn't do what she told me to do, she used to beat me. I have some marks on my skin from the beatings. I have shown my mother these marks and told her to look what she did to my skin and she said she didn't do it, it was hard ears that gave me those marks.

My boyfriend is attending HEART. He introduced me to his mother and I found out that she and my mother grew up in the same neighbourhood in the country. One time they shared the same boyfriend. I told my mother what she said and she said the woman chats too much. She also said that my boyfriend's mother was a bad girl. I didn't want to hear more because this bad business is coming from far back. My grandmother was bad, and now to hear that my boyfriend's mother was bad, how can they now expect me to be good? But I am a good girl and I have never done anything 'out of the way'. Only my boyfriend has seen me naked. We went to the beach and we found a spot and had sex. But he was well prepared. We used a condom and he buried it in the sand when we were finished. He is 19 and a responsible guy.

I do not want to have children until I have my profession, so I am trying my best to be a good girl. As soon as I am 18, I will introduce my boyfriend to my father. My boyfriend promised to help me pay for college, so I am depending on him to keep his word.

N.D.

Dear N.D.,

Let me begin by telling you that I am happy that you have a good relationship with your parents.

Some fathers look forward to having a son as their first child, while others say they don't care. It is said that women love their sons more than their daughters. Your father has accepted you and honours you. So please don't disappoint him.

You are old enough to know not to practise risky sex. It is unwise to have unprotected sex and you know that very well. So when you went to the beach, your boyfriend was prepared to have sex with you even though you might not have realised it. He had his condom ready. Remember that your mother has already warned you not to follow in her footsteps. So, be very careful. I wish you well as you work hard in school. Nothing can beat a good education. So please focus on that.

Your boyfriend's mother and your mother fooled around when they were young. But your mother didn't want you to know that. Don't hold that against any of them. I wish you well. Let me hear from you again.

Pastor