Abusive husband broke my heart

Dear Pastor, 

 I have three children; two are teenagers and the other is eight. Their father and I agreed to go our separate ways because our relationship was abusive. Financially, he has always supported the children. But he was very cruel to me. He hit me a number of times and always threatened me. 

My friends and relatives told me I could do better. We went for counselling and he promised the counsellor that he would try to change. But he put all the blame on me. He even told the counsellor that I was very untidy and that I left dishes unwashed in the sink for days. These things were not true. Finally, I realised that this man wanted to end our relationship and I was the one who did not want him to go.  

One day after we had a very heated argument, I told him that we should separate and live as just friends. Whenever he wanted to see me, he could call me and invite me over or whenever I wanted to see him, I could invite him over. He agreed and he told me that I can have the children. I rented a two-bedroom house 10 miles from where we originally lived. He pays the rent. The children talk to him every day. I have never invited him to the house.

One Saturday I had to go to his house to pick up a few things. I called him to let him know and I am glad I did. He told me it was a bad time to come to there. I asked him why and he said he had a visitor. I told him that I was not coming to disturb him. I also told him what I needed. He said I should come another time. The man had a woman in the house. I drove by and I recognised her car in the driveway.  

I did not know that they were having a relationship, so I went home and called him. I told him that I passed by and recognised the woman’s car in the driveway. He told me some ‘B’ words and ‘F’ words that caused me to tremble. We have not gone back to see the counsellor. I have filed for a divorce. He has told some of our friends that I am telling lies about the woman. He said she was not at his house, but I know she was. This woman is much older than he is. She is also a divorcee. 

Do you think I am doing the right thing by divorcing him?  

T.

Dear T., 

You drove by this man’s house to satisfy your curiosity. You suspected that his visitor was a woman and that is why he did not want you to come to the house. You wanted confirmation that something was going on. Well, something was probably going on, but all you saw was a motor car in the driveway. Should that really be enough for you to finally file for a divorce? I am not sure.  

You say that your husband supports his children very well; I hope that he will continue to do so. See to it that these children continue to talk to their father every week. Don’t do anything that will cause him to believe that you are trying to turn the children away from him.  

I am sorry to hear that this man is very abusive. He is a notorious liar. Take care of yourself. As to whether you should file for a divorce, it is a decision you will have to make on your own.  

Pastor